Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
