I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
