i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
