He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i came on her dog
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
