I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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