btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
