did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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