She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
