I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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