haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
