It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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