On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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