I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You may now shotgun with the bride
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
