my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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