i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize