I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
