Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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