census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
