We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
