Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
