stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
