Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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