Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize