i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
