I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
