Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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