So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
