He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
