You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
