dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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