I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
