the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
