I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
