I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
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