i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
