I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
It's like God shit irony all over that family
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
