youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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