Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
