Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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