he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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