I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
