she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We were destined to go to rehab together
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
