Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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