I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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