There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
