I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
