Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
