Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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