I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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