I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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