I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
