Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
