I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
