If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize