I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
