Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Randomize