forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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