Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
