Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
