i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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