There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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