it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
