my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
