All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
