its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
