I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
