Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
