I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
