you turned your livingroom into a bong?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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