I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
