Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
