Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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